My Fear

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My fear is the shadow that never leaves me
It dresses as intimacy, shame and violence
My fear creeps underneath my smile
I try to destroy it, by burning all the memories
I try to forget it, by numbing the tip of my fingers
But the truth is that
I am afraid
Afraid that this is all wrong
That I don’t deserve all this
I wait for the moment when people will really see me
For the fraud that I am
I don’t deserve to be in this room
Maybe I did once, but now I feel so empty
There is a void in me, and my words are senseless
I drift away like a cloud changing shape
I am just an illusion, and all of this is smoke
I am afraid of being lonely
Afraid that I’ll never be strong enough
To stand alone in the crowd
I am afraid to never matter
I am afraid to be seen
I am afraid to be loved
I wait for the disappointment
I drag it like a lame leg behind me
I will never be your inspiration, nor your fantasy
All those bits and clips, words and photographs
Are all hung up on my wall of deceit and lies
I am afraid to be discovered
I count the seconds on the clock
I wait at night for the thief to come home
Point at me and whisper softly
You do not belong here
You are a ghost of who you used to be
And I stare at those words, every single night
I lie on my bed, so huge and yet so weak
I am so scared
Because I’m breakable
Underneath the big voice, the big body
There are too many ways to break me
They say you need two people for humiliation
But all I ever need is my very own reflection
I have always been my biggest tyrant
So all the words you throw at me
They don’t hold weight compared to my own punches
Every single one of you who’s ever
Beaten, slapped, kicked or assaulted me
Has never made me feel so hopeless
As when I scream in my pillows at night
When I punch walls until the pain soothes me
I am afraid
To never love myself
To never heal the shame
To be seen for the weak, sad and mean self that I sometimes can be
And still be loved
Still be forgiven
In all that is hard, weak, ugly, and sick
My fear is the shadow that never leaves me
It dresses as intimacy, shame and violence
My fear is my best friend
I need my fear to keep me moving
For without my fear as my shadow
I would never have found
My courage and bravery

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