My Fear

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My fear is the shadow that never leaves me
It dresses as intimacy, shame and violence
My fear creeps underneath my smile
I try to destroy it, by burning all the memories
I try to forget it, by numbing the tip of my fingers
But the truth is that
I am afraid
Afraid that this is all wrong
That I don’t deserve all this
I wait for the moment when people will really see me
For the fraud that I am
I don’t deserve to be in this room
Maybe I did once, but now I feel so empty
There is a void in me, and my words are senseless
I drift away like a cloud changing shape
I am just an illusion, and all of this is smoke
I am afraid of being lonely
Afraid that I’ll never be strong enough
To stand alone in the crowd
I am afraid to never matter
I am afraid to be seen
I am afraid to be loved
I wait for the disappointment
I drag it like a lame leg behind me
I will never be your inspiration, nor your fantasy
All those bits and clips, words and photographs
Are all hung up on my wall of deceit and lies
I am afraid to be discovered
I count the seconds on the clock
I wait at night for the thief to come home
Point at me and whisper softly
You do not belong here
You are a ghost of who you used to be
And I stare at those words, every single night
I lie on my bed, so huge and yet so weak
I am so scared
Because I’m breakable
Underneath the big voice, the big body
There are too many ways to break me
They say you need two people for humiliation
But all I ever need is my very own reflection
I have always been my biggest tyrant
So all the words you throw at me
They don’t hold weight compared to my own punches
Every single one of you who’s ever
Beaten, slapped, kicked or assaulted me
Has never made me feel so hopeless
As when I scream in my pillows at night
When I punch walls until the pain soothes me
I am afraid
To never love myself
To never heal the shame
To be seen for the weak, sad and mean self that I sometimes can be
And still be loved
Still be forgiven
In all that is hard, weak, ugly, and sick
My fear is the shadow that never leaves me
It dresses as intimacy, shame and violence
My fear is my best friend
I need my fear to keep me moving
For without my fear as my shadow
I would never have found
My courage and bravery

STILL IN YOUR LOUDNESS

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The sky is cold above us
And there are not enough stones to throw into the sea
Splashes swallowed, gulped within huge waves
My body is so light, but my heart feels heavy
Everything seems out of place
Like an empty kitchen, empty echoes
Your mouth and hands move, break and scream
But I’m not sure what these words mean
Every step sounds like an explosion
This town suddenly sounds too loud
Fingers are stretched and hands are given
Let me be touched again
Let me be loved again
Panic electrifies my limbs
You steal my breath
How can you move me
When all I have ever known was hidden gazes
Whispers and secrets
How can I look at you
When nothing has ever been, but the night
There never was any light
My eyes were full of clouds and rivers
Before I laid my gaze on you
You are the hurricane on my plain field
You take me away and tear me apart
But I remain still in your loudness
And all things blow away

After.

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After the leaves have blown off of the trees
After the sound of your steps has faded away
After the ashes of your burned letters have cooled off
After all the things have been forgotten
After silence has swallowed all the words we couldn’t say
After the crowds have all gone home
After the smiles have returned to our faces
After I packed all of my things
After I lose everything
After these shores become a faded memory
After this self of mine drowns in the ocean
After we survive from this winter
After the sun comes back
After all the screams have found their peace
After hate has been watered down
After I find the strength to love myself again
After we have let go
Maybe I’ll come back home
Maybe I’ll fall in love again

We Left Our Shoes At The Bar

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We left our shoes at the bar
And we stole a bottle of wine
There’s so much bliss around the corner
Of those streets we used to hate
Our heavy hearts have finally burst
And I wait for the next second
The next high to kick in

We make love on your car
Cause I forgot my keys
I like the feel of your skin
I like the taste of your lips
They taste of youth and sadness
They smell of fire and smoke

You take me home in the shadows
And tell me that life is long
Tell me that life burns all
That money steals our dreams
And that time is the thread
That ties us to the stars

We don’t deserve this love
Hidden in the dark
It’s sad to see how much
We have already lost
Lost at the bottom
Of our bottle of wine