Letter to my 10 year old self

To the 10 year old me
Today you will taste the first feeling of age
If you stretch your fingers up in the air, you’ll feel the storm wind coming
Breathe in this smell of summer and lavander
The smell of too many heartbreaks to come
Nana
I am so sorry.
You have dreams of love and beauty
But I let you down
This fighter inside of you
Has turned herself up against me over time
Step by step I have cut myself off of you
And now I can’t recognize my reflection in the mirror
I have build myself a well
And thrown countless unremembered nights in it
I have killed your hopeful love on the altar of fear
And never have I been able to shake off its smell of lavander
I am sorry
I know you can’t forgive me
But try to understand
I was lost
Gradually, screams have replaced the whispers
And I couldn’t hear your voice anymore
The sneaky paths of violence have found their way to you
Slapping your face with womanhood
When you couldn’t handle the melody of life yet
Don’t worry, you’ll learn to sing along
There will be moments when you will reach the stars
Moments when you will lose your breath but still keep on running
There will be magical nights and irreplaceable friendships
And, tell me,
Isn’t it all worth it in the end?
10 year old me
Don’t let them.
Don’t ever let them.
Don’t let them touch you in the dark.
Don’t let them tell you you are worthless
Don’t forget you will always be so much more than what they say
I am still trying
Nana
Don’t be afraid to change
Cut lose the dead and don’t dwell on your scars
Put on a smile every single day
Trust me, people will like you more that way
And you’ll learn to soothe your self-hatred
10 year old Nana
Be kinder to yourself, because
I am not sure
But I like to think it’s all gonna be ok
Somehow.

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